First and foremost, Everything is Okay! I am just in a state of a need to post honestly. This week has been very tough for me, emotionally, exhausting my every being. I am going to start with this honest tid bit, I can't stand complaining about pregnancy, it really hits me hard, I just can't see a reason to complain when I have been blessed to carry such an amazing miracle that so many never get the chance to experience. However, we are human, we are allowed to struggle, we need to struggle, so this is about some current struggles, I am forever thankful for this opportunity, the struggles are what have brought me to my knees this week crying out to the Lord for his strength and peace. This song by Matt Maher is one playing in my car every morning and is playing right now, on repeat!
I list these for those praying, for those who know me deeply, for anyone willing to listen. I am struggling. I am oh so thankful, which almost makes it harder because I can't understand why this is hard. So I am praying through this time, asking God to draw near (he already is of course) and to help me feel his presence.
The shots were getting easier, but now they are getting harder again. For some reason I am bruising, bleeding (at the site of the shot), hurting. My right side is so bruised that when baby's body parts are up against it I can feel the pain shooting through my abdomen, it is bruised so deep it hurts inside and out. Yet I am thankful, for a baby's healthy body parts and movement kicking around inside of me.
I have been feeling some discomfort, not the kind that stops me from doing what I love and going about my day but could possibly be explained by some results we got Wednesday. I wasn't lying, baby is looking good, all the big stuff looks great. BUT...there is a chance I have a high level of amniotic fluid, of course the response is that it is probably fine. However, the other side could be an infection, a swallowing issue caused by birth defects, a central nervous system birth defect......so we wait. We wait for four weeks to check again. We went through this with Will but we got to find out the next day. Medicine and technology are good, sometimes too good, and that is what we are praying for, that all is fine. Yet it takes an emotional toll when we have to wait, and when I start to overanalyze the symptoms and what could happen, when I think about what happened after Will was born.
Lastly, which I am sure there are more but are fleeting right now, as I progress through this pregnancy, I am becoming scared. Fear is okay, but I can't let it overtake me. My pregnancy with Will was perfect, we all know it didn't stay that way after he was born. So as things are becoming similar I start to wonder if it will all be okay. I start to fear, I start to worry.
I want to know what it is like to be home with my child for the first three weeks and not in the hospital..I want to know what it is like to have to wake up in the middle of the night because my child is not sedated by phenobarbitol, I want to know what it is like to hold my child in my arms for a solid week of exhaustion, because that means he/she is not in a tank with cords and I am not in another hospital. I want to be a regular mom, to face the struggles because to me that will mean we are both home and healthy.
I love being pregnant, all 40 weeks and more. It is what I signed up for when I asked the Lord to grant me the ability to have a child. The way I will make it is by clinging to the prayer that I need him every hour and KNOWING that he is there every hour!
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