As I have been working on writing down our story (I have a lot left!), I have come across portions that I placed in a part of my brain and forgotten until something brings it back. This was a coping mechanism through all of the ups and downs! Today I had the joy of spending a wonderful day with Will, but also having a lot of time to think as he took a 3 and 1/2 hour nap this afternoon. We had a wonderful day, and I am not sure what brought this memory back but I am so glad it returned! Maybe it is all of the beautiful healthy babies being born!
On February 15, 2010 Austin and I went to the doctor for our 36 week ultrasound. We were so excited to see our little one as we neared the end of the journey. As we sat waiting on Dr. Burns, we were thrilled and enjoying every moment. However, when he sat down to talk to us, he told us about a part of Will's brain that was in question. From there we were sent to an appointment with the MFM folks (ugghh). I was terrified but praying that it was just a glitch in modern technology.
On February 18th, 2010 I walked into the office hoping for the best. I had many things to do while I was there but I began with a chat with the geneticist. She appeared very nice and caring as she asked me about my family history and Austin's family history (I was alone so that part was tough). Doing my best I went through the cancers, thyroid issues, etc etc. Finally we got to some relatives that brought on a discussion of Cystic Fibrosis. The geneticist began to talk about all of the technical aspects of how CF is genetic and therefore may be a risk for our unborn child. She began a shpeel about how I should be tested but Austin needed to be tested as well, continued with the chances that he and/or I have it (the gene to pass it on), then in her own way went into how our little Baby Bell could have it. After this, she decided to make the comment, "Well, I would recommend you have the testing completed. How far along are you? Oh, you are 36 weeks so you don't have an option to end this pregnancy if you and your husband test positive, but you may want to know as you decide if you want to risk a future pregnancy!"
I was outright disgusted. Austin and I had opted out of having any testing done to tell us if there were chances of Downs Syndrome because we knew that no matter the outcome, we were having the baby (I have no problem with those who want to do the test in order to prepare to raise the baby, my personality just didn't want to do it). I told her that and continued to tell her that I didn't want the testing done at this time. She was irritated with me and told me that it was something I could do later if I changed my mind. Four hours later, I walked out of the office with no concern over the portion of the brain that was in question, but a little, okay a lot ticked at the nonchalant attitude of the geneticist.
I know this is a world of many options, but I shudder when someone looks at a new mother to be and gives one option, one viewpoint, one outcome. I only believe in one way to do this, to preserve the sanctity of life and I expect doctors to respect my wishes as well. Regardless of what you believe, many of you know or see pictures of Will (cause I'm not shy when it comes to him)! As I sang to him today, "great is thy faithfulness, all I have needed thy hand hath provided," my mind went back to that day in February. Many people may look at what we went through post delivery and think it would have been easier to not go through it all. However, going through it, I strongly disagree with them. In a way, I wish every parent could see into the future and look at the love and joy of their child. Because that is what I do each and every day, even the tough ones, even when he is crying, even when I am tired and impatient. I look at Will and am forever reminded that he is an incredible miracle. I was 36 weeks when she told me that bold statement, nothing could be done at that point, BUT had I been in my first trimester, my thoughts would still be the same: the baby inside of me at the time would bring great joy and great sorrow in his earliest days of life, but each and every moment was and continues to be worth it because he is my joy, he has taught me a love I never knew, he is my constant reminder of the miracle of life!
No comments:
Post a Comment