Okay so I am fully aware I am way behind on Christmas pictures and things! Its been a busy and awesome couple of weeks. I now sit on New Years Eve, not quite feeling like loading pictures on the computer, but rather, typing what lies within (don't get me wrong, I am in very good spirits overall). Pictures will come I promise.
I am sure some that read this will stop now, thinking "here she goes again" but this is one of my toughest things to write, something I feel that we as people and many times as Christians feel we have to hide. Tonight I am going to lay it all out. Sure I could sit and comment about Katy Perry or Tebow or this or that or say Happy New Year, but tonight it is so much more for me that has been on my heart, in my dreams and in my thoughts for the last couple of days.
It has been such a joy to be home with Austin and Will (and family) over these last two weeks, but sometimes it gets me thinking. The issue that is taking up a lot of space in me is future children. It even came up as we signed our Wills the other day (yes we now have one and some reasons why are to come). So my thoughts ran and here they are:
Austin and I have always had the desire to have more than one child. As we have spent the last 21 months with Will, we have found ourselves in love, completely content with the child God miraculously gave and saved for us! In the back of my mind I have always wanted a sibling for him and originally I thought two years apart. Gradually it has started to tear at my heart even more. I sometimes think, I could be so happy with just him, but then it comes, I want a sibling for him, I want to experience the miracle of life again. And I want to experience it sooner as each day goes by.
But....I struggle, many people may think, well just do it! If it were only so easy. Sometimes I wish that it were easier and that other things stopped us but this is my main focus now. I question having another child, solely because my life will be at risk. Sure the doctors have said it can be done but they have also said my vein will definitely collapse again, I will be high risk, but it will be monitored. While I struggle with my life hanging on that, I struggle more with the life of the child inside as well as the life (lives!) I would leave if I were not to be here. I can't imagine a day that Will had without me, it tears at my heart. Sure it could happen any day, but at what point do I proceed.
A lot of prayer has gone into this topic. The discussions between Austin and I have begun. We know that just as God has provided for us over the last two years (and our entire lives) we know he will do just that in the years to come. But I am human, I doubt, I wonder if I am doing what God desires or am I being selfish.
Its odd, Facebook and social media used to be difficult for me when we were trying to get pregnant before Will and we miscarried. I was bitter, I was angry. Today I take joy in those who announce their pregnancy, but I still ask, why can't it be that "easy" for me? I know it isn't easy for many but its easier for many to decide to try or do what they need to do to get pregnant. For me that is where it starts, I can't decide that without questioning the risks of my life and leaving my family behind. It is no longer "can I get pregnant, will I get pregnant?" it is "will I survive if I get pregnant?" I thought the first question was hard but man this second one just plain sucks (sorry mom!)!
So as I ramble, thank you if you have stuck with me. Please know that I am thrilled with life, I am thankful for the gifts that I have, I am thankful for how God has provided, especially in what Austin and I think of as two pretty tough years. God is sovereign, I know that full well! I don't know why I decided to unload my heart tonight to the world, maybe to get it off my chest, maybe for prayer, who knows! As Tim Keller says in one of his sermons, it is fully natural to have tears but that we need to pray our tears. So if you find it in your heart to pray, I ask that you pray just as Austin and I are in so many areas of our lives that "God's will be done" and that we have "patience to wait upon his work because he is working even in the silence."
Thank you for sharing. I will pray.
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