Today I have shed more tears in one day then I have since March of 2010. It is one of those days that so many emotions and difficulties as a parent came pouring down. As I sit now near the end of the day, I realized I have been blessed to get a glimpse of How deep the Father's love for us truly is.
The morning started out well, Will slept all night, yet I was tired from a restless night. He slept until 7:30, woke up in a wonderful mood. As the moments went on his mood deteriorated. Will battles with constipation and is on a daily dose of Mirolax. However, we have tried weaning him off as it is impossible to have him potty trained while on it. He hasn't gone for three days, he is a regular child, he goes three times a day on an average day. When he is constipated he is irritable, he is tired, he won't eat, its a rough time.
By the time we were headed out the door, we were having an all out brawl as to why he had to wear shoes. Convincing him that Nonnie and Pop wanted to see his shoes ceased the weeping and gnashing of teeth enough to get some shoes on. Of course it is Asheville, he probably would be fine bare foot!
To church we went, into the service as usual, out within 5 minutes because Will couldn't listen to us and be quiet. Austin takes him to his class because he fights me when I take him and try to leave.
At the end of the service Austin went to get him to find out he did not do well. He was in time out, he refused to go to time out, he hit, he kicked, he scratched a kid's face. This after Austin talked with him before going in about having nice hands and opportunities to get rewarded for good behavior.
On the way home, Will had an all out scream fest, second in two days in the car with me. I couldn't take it anymore and began to cry quietly. My heart hurts for him, my heart desires for him to understand "nice hands." My heart longs for him to be loving and to be loved by those around. He is very loved, but he is very difficult. As a parent my patience is being tried like never before. I am irritable, I am tired, I respond poorly to him.
In these moments I realize his sin and my sin at levels I never saw before. I realize how much I love him but also how much I sin in reaction to his defiance and 3 year old behavior. I am in need of a savior as much as he is.
Once we were home I realized I could no longer hold off on the suppository. I had to do it. This is hard for me because Will hates it, it is traumatic for all involved. He now pleads every time his diaper is changed for us to not "put that thing in." It had to be done, it was the pain that would bring the peace beyond. He began to sob the moment he saw it. After a suppository is used, it is usually moments before it works. With Will it can be 30 minutes due to (pardon the TMI) the size of what he needs to release. I finally took a video today, I felt like a horrible parent, but doctors don't seem to think constipation is a huge issue (and of course those that question why he isn't potty trained). I can hardly watch the video, it hurts me to even think about it.
For 30 minutes I held my sobbing child, he was literally writhing in pain and screaming with short moments of putting his head in my arms, curling up in the fetal position and resting out of exhaustion. I can no longer go through this without crying. I try to remain strong, continue to tell him how awesome he is and that he is doing a great job. With tears in his eyes, he looked up and said "It will be okay mommy." After 30 minutes of some of the most painful screams, he succeeded, fell into my arms and said, "Mommy, tell daddy and Claire and Grant I did a great job", closed his eyes and rested.
I know this is a long post, but over the course of the day I went from angry, to broken with failure, to the deepest love I have for my hurting child. I got a glimpse of what God felt, a very small glimpse, when he had to watch and has to continue to watch his son and his children suffer because of sin. We sin over and over again, yet he loves us more deeply every time he picks us up and says, "Child, job well done, rest, and find strength in my arms, you are loved."
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